Tuesday, June 7, 2016

11 Things I Hope No One Hears Me Tell My Dogs

Hey, everyone!

As fellow pet lovers, I think I'm in good company when I admit to saying some really strange things to my animals. From cooing baby talk to exasperated swearing, from plays on names to embarrassing made-up songs, I've been there and done that when I talk to them.
After reading Rebekah's post over at My Rotten Dogs about things she never expected to say before owning her gang of pups, I was inspired to share some things I really, really hope no one hears me say to my crew. Let's jump right to it!

Warning for language. ;)

11. "The wiener loves the pussy, the wiener loves the pussy."

Used when Nola and Salem are playing. It's too hilarious to pass up.

10. "Noly, Noly canoli, my dachshund Noly, I have a Noly, Noly Oly" 
"I have a Nola, a little Nola, a Dachshund Nola (repeat)"

This is what I frequently sing to Nola, and have since she was a baby. I am not musically gifted (to put it politely), but she doesn't seem to mind...or at least, she's grown used to it.
 This is her bath/nail time song, her photo shoot song, her bedtime song...basically it's her theme song.

Random fun fact: the latter ditty is how this blog was named. 

9. "My god, why are you such an asshole? You have a nice life!"

This one is all Pike, all the time. I love him, but he's a brat.

Hello, my name is Don'tBeAnAsshole!

8. "Get your crotch out of my face. This is not a vision I wanted to wake up to. This is awkward, and I'm not into this kind of shit. Get off me!"

Nola is generally very good about staying quiet and calm in bed until it's time to get up, but sometimes she gets the crazies in her and decides that my chest and face would be fun to climb. Sometimes she slides to the side or I move, and well, I wind up with a face full of dog crotch. It's very awkward. 

"You said we'd never talk about that!"

7. "I think you're the only one that likes when I'm on my period."

This is really gross and probably TMI, but I can't be the only one that deals with this. I have to say the above sentence if I fail to remember to put the bathroom trashcan out of dog reach every month.

"I'm just trying to help. Insufferable woman."

6. "What is it about underwear that is so appealing to you? If I wanted crotchless panties, I'd've bought crotchless panties to begin with."

Nola used to have a terrible addiction to underwear. She doesn't do it as much anymore because I'm no longer lazy about putting dirty clothes in the dirty clothes spot because she's just that good. 

"I would like it to be known that I am not a panty eater. It's Pike."

"Pike can't get to where the clothes go!"

"Ignore the human. She's confused."

5. "I guess I love you enough to share with you. I guess."

Said when I have some snack I really do not want to share.

4. "Aw, did you get some dirt on you...? Oh, fuck. That's not dirt. Oh my god, I touched that!"

Needs no explanation. 

3. "Please stop humping your brother's head. He can't breathe when you do that. Besides, I know we live in the boonies of Florida and it's common practice to do that, but just stop. We're not sinking that low."

Sometimes Nola gets a little...vigorous with humping Pike.

2. "Do you wanna watch Outlander? Do you wanna watch the sexy Scotsman? Do you wanna listen to that fuckhot accent? Do you love kilts and bare-chested brawling? Yes you do, yes you do!"

...Outlander is my weekly guiltiest of guilty pleasures. I may or may not have the above conversation with Nola every Saturday night.

1. "You're so much better than people."


So there you have it! Those are the things I hope no one ever hears me say. What about you? Do you say anything to your pups you'd rather no one know about?

- Dachshund Mommy


  1. BOL I think you've got it covered!!!

  2. totally relate to trashcan issues, we have to keep the bathroom door closed when we are out as Phod will go in (get a Diva cup and you won't produce the same type of garbage). Phod also provided me with crotchless panties and we had the same conversation. Another favourite phraseI hope no one hears "Don't pee on her head" or "Don't let him pee on your head."

  3. OMD OMC Momma was LOL at this one especially #3 & #4 :)

    Matt & Matilda

  4. LOVE these :) I can especially relate to the one about Pike - we joke that Battlestar thinks her name is 'No one likes you' or 'jerk' because she can be such a little terror...

  5. Oh wow! LMAO! I can see why you wouldn't want people to hear some of these! HAHA! Awkward.

    My dogs hear the "don't be an asshole" one a lot. My favorite though is "you're so much better than people". :D It's so true!

  6. BOL! We have said all of these. You have nailed them.

  7. I can't stop over #3...basically because Arty does the same thing to poor Jakey and we would insert our home state of TX for FL...Great post!

  8. oh dear. your #11 is beyond funny! BOL
    wags, bailey unleashed

  9. You made me laugh tonight!!!! Wow, we all share some of the same experiences :)

  10. So funny!! We call deer deers and someone heard me the other day!! I was running with her and their were deer running by and I was like look at the deers!!

  11. Hahahaha like serious Laugh out loud moments. My fav....aww you got dirt on your head.....so many times so many memories. What an awesome post. Got me thinking....what would I not want ppl to hear me say. Heheh

  12. Baaahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! These are all amazing because I've said so many of them! Especially "I love you, but you're being an asshole right now!" Great post!

  13. Lol! I can relate to a lot of these. Shiner has a thing for underwear too. One thing I say to her is a bit weird... She kind of has a large vagina... and her name could rhyme with vaginer. So one of her many nicknames is Shiner with the fat vaginer... never in public though!

  14. This was hilarious! Hmm... I don't know if I really say THAT many things that would be embarrassing in public. Mostly it's just dog babble.

  15. Hysterical! I know I say a lot of crazy things to my dogs too and sing to them. Glad to see I'm not alone ;)

  16. OMD!!! You had me laughing aloud the whole way!!
    I often call my dogs jerks, and we definitely sing to them.

  17. Aww, my favorite is #1. Thanks for sharing! Hilarious.

  18. 'I touched that' ... Boy can I relate. Good to see I'm not the only one who has called my dog an A-hole. He's adorable, but he can be a jerk sometimes.

  19. Very funny and relatable! I sometimes sing a little rhyme to my dog about going into the crate (it will be great!) I was a little embarrassed the first time one of teenagers overheard it.

  20. LOL! These are just too funny. You had me laughing out loud this morning. And I can definitely relate to some of these...! :)

  21. Barley and I have a whole collection of songs, too! One of the best parts of no longer living in an apartment is that I can sing them with reckless abandon and not worry about the neighbors calling the loony bin on me!

  22. Thank you, I feel so much less crazy now for the things I say to my dogs! I always dread the day I'm saying something like that (cursing included) and turn around and find out someone is standing right behind me. LOL
    Jan, Wag 'n Woof Pets

  23. I have a whole list of songs that I sing to Fern, my cocker. You know Soft Kitty from Big Bang Theory well I have a version of that, plus the New Girl them songe I have adapted to Fern too! Dog bring out crazy and I love them for it.


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