As fellow pet lovers, I think I'm in good company when I admit to saying some really strange things to my animals. From cooing baby talk to exasperated swearing, from plays on names to embarrassing made-up songs, I've been there and done that when I talk to them.
After reading Rebekah's post over at My Rotten Dogs about things she never expected to say before owning her gang of pups, I was inspired to share some things I really, really hope no one hears me say to my crew. Let's jump right to it!
Warning for language. ;)
11. "The wiener loves the pussy, the wiener loves the pussy."
Used when Nola and Salem are playing. It's too hilarious to pass up.
10. "Noly, Noly canoli, my dachshund Noly, I have a Noly, Noly Oly"
"I have a Nola, a little Nola, a Dachshund Nola (repeat)"
This is what I frequently sing to Nola, and have since she was a baby. I am not musically gifted (to put it politely), but she doesn't seem to mind...or at least, she's grown used to it.
This is her bath/nail time song, her photo shoot song, her bedtime song...basically it's her theme song.
Random fun fact: the latter ditty is how this blog was named.
9. "My god, why are you such an asshole? You have a nice life!"
This one is all Pike, all the time. I love him, but he's a brat.
|Hello, my name is Don'tBeAnAsshole!|
8. "Get your crotch out of my face. This is not a vision I wanted to wake up to. This is awkward, and I'm not into this kind of shit. Get off me!"
Nola is generally very good about staying quiet and calm in bed until it's time to get up, but sometimes she gets the crazies in her and decides that my chest and face would be fun to climb. Sometimes she slides to the side or I move, and well, I wind up with a face full of dog crotch. It's very awkward.
|"You said we'd never talk about that!"|
7. "I think you're the only one that likes when I'm on my period."
This is really gross and probably TMI, but I can't be the only one that deals with this. I have to say the above sentence if I fail to remember to put the bathroom trashcan out of dog reach every month.
|"I'm just trying to help. Insufferable woman."|
6. "What is it about underwear that is so appealing to you? If I wanted crotchless panties, I'd've bought crotchless panties to begin with."
Nola used to have a terrible addiction to underwear. She doesn't do it as much anymore
because I'm no longer lazy about putting dirty clothes in the dirty clothes spot because she's just that good.
|"I would like it to be known that I am not a panty eater. It's Pike."|
"Pike can't get to where the clothes go!"
"Ignore the human. She's confused."
5. "I guess I love you enough to share with you. I guess."
Said when I have some snack I really do not want to share.
4. "Aw, did you get some dirt on you...? Oh, fuck. That's not dirt. Oh my god, I touched that!"
Needs no explanation.
3. "Please stop humping your brother's head. He can't breathe when you do that. Besides, I know we live in the boonies of Florida and it's common practice to do that, but just stop. We're not sinking that low."
Sometimes Nola gets a little...vigorous with humping Pike.
2. "Do you wanna watch Outlander? Do you wanna watch the sexy Scotsman? Do you wanna listen to that fuckhot accent? Do you love kilts and bare-chested brawling? Yes you do, yes you do!"
...Outlander is my weekly guiltiest of guilty pleasures. I may or may not have the above conversation with Nola every Saturday night.
1. "You're so much better than people."
So there you have it! Those are the things I hope no one ever hears me say. What about you? Do you say anything to your pups you'd rather no one know about?
- Dachshund Mommy