Monday, February 15, 2016

Dog People: And You Thought High School Was Bad....

Hey, everyone!

For those of you that are heavily involved in the dog world (and since you're either blogging  and/or reading a dog blog, I assume that's all of you), have you ever noticed the parallel between dog people and your stereotypical high school cliques?

No? Well, darlings, let me enlighten you. Below you will find a convenient guide to identifying these people, including what activities they tend to participate in, and the breeds they usually own. This is by no means a full list, but it does hit on all the major points.

(Note: this is, for the most part, entirely tongue-in-cheek. If marginally snarky humor and honest truths offend you, I suggest skipping this post, or at least not bombarding me with comments lamenting how not everyone fits a stereotype.)

High School and The Dog Enthusiast: A Guide

The Jocks -

Summary: These are the people that live and breathe "hard core" dog sports, the ones that go broke and rearrange their lives around trials that are hours away from them. Sport dogs are to The Jocks as big trucks are to... ehm, small men. 
Often socially inept in real life, they thrive online, tutting behind their screens about those owners who have mere pet dogs. Don't even get them started on those pitiful people that dare to trial with an "off breed". The horror, truly. 

Sports or Activities: Agility, DiscDog, Flyball, occasionally protection sports such as IPO and French Ring.

Breeds Owned: Sport bred Border Collies dominate here, sometimes with a Sheltie or Jack Russell thrown in for good measure. Aussies, Malinois, and the occasional field bred Golden Retriever or Standard Poodle may make an appearance.

Telltale Signs You've Found A Jock: Abbreviated speech patterns (don't you dare mix up those Qs, NQs, AXJ, MACH, ect or you'll be burned at the stake), the need to share every single title the dog has earned whenever they share the dog's name, the flashing of big name kennels, a catty but tight knit community, and a penchant for yoga pants and those creepy as fuck tennis shoes with individual toe spots. 

The Jock's Claim to Fame: Much like real life high school Jocks, dog sports are the Golden Era of the Jock's life.

The Mean Girls -

Summary: Log in to any forum or Facebook, and it's easy to spot a Mean Girl. The Mean Girls are the first to jump in with a snarky, high horse comment, which is soon backed up by their hoards of loyal minions. Mean Girls rule the roost, luxuriating in their devout following and power online. Loud, obtuse and vicious online, Mean Girls wouldn't dare look at you cross-eyed in real life. 

Mean Girls are the best at everything, with the best possible dogs, and don't you dare forget it. Just like real life Mean Girls, these people are big on bragging about This Kennel and That Kennel, loving that what they're wearing owning is the name on everyone's lips.

Sports or Activities: Occasionally conformation or any of the Jock's activities, though Mean Girls tend to be "just" dog owners. Because let's be honest here: forget stalking those they feel threatened by (those damn outspoken people who dare not bow before them) and talking behind people's backs takes a lot of time and effort.

Breeds Owned: Mostly high dollar purebreds, though it's possible to get the occasional Mean Girls: Mutt Edition in the mix.

Telltale Signs You've Found a Mean Girl: A plethora of Me & My Dog selfies, a condescending introduction, lax Facebook privacy settings, excluding conversations amongst other Mean Girls, and plenty of holier than thou attitude. Mean Girls are the quickest to cry fowl if you have a different opinion.

The Mean Girl's Claim to Fame: Living the life they wish they had in high school.

The Nerds -

Summary: The Nerds are an interesting sort without too set a mold, though facets of the other groups may be present in certain individuals. The Nerds are a plethora of information, and usually focus on one subject to drown themselves in; food and training are the most common types of Nerds, though everything from breeding to bloodlines to structure to vet care can be a Nerd's livelihood. 

The Nerd's prides themselves on being up to date -or at least well versed - on their specific subject. Despite their eagerness to contribute, The Nerds often easily quelled into silence and submission by The Jocks and Mean Girls.
There is also the very rare but frightfully obnoxious Know It All Nerd. These are the people that will shove information so far down you throat it'll make your eyes water, and refuse to quit.

Sports or Activities: The Nerd may compete in less popular dog sports such a Dock Diving and Nosework, but tend to focus more on trick training or fitness and conditioning.

Breeds Owned: The Nerd does not have a set breed, and mutts are very popular.

Telltale Signs You've Found a Nerd: The Nerds are an elusive bunch, but are fairly easy to spot if you know what to look for. Tentative but eager to connect, gentle coaxing can get them blathering like a 12 year old girl jacked up on coffee.

The Nerd's Claim to Fame: Thinking they're smarter than most of the population, but are too afraid to show it.

The Goths -

Summary: The Goths are, unsurprisingly, incredibly dramatic and yet incredibly deadpan. They tend to be fanatical in their morbid views, and take great pleasure in informing you that feeding kibble will kill your dog. Or that feeding raw will kill your dog. Or that vaccines will kill your dog. Or no vaccines will kill your dog. Really, they just want you to know that your dog will die unless you follow their views. They're like those annoying chain emails or Facebook tags: forward this to or tag 10 others or you'll die next Tuesday.

Sports or Activities: None usually, because that's another thing that will kill your dog.

Breeds Owned: Mutts and various bully breeds, primarily. Occasionally a smattering of toy breeds.

Telltale Signs You've Found a Goth: Watch the posts about questions or experiences, and you're sure to find a Goth. Just watch, and you'll see them latch onto any marginally happy topic like a starving baby onto a juicy tit, ready to share some horror story and offer their incredible wisdom on how to prevent such a tragedy.

The Goth's Claim to Fame: Striking fear and annoyance into the hearts of dog lovers across the interwebs, depending on the person.

The Potheads -

Summary: The Potheads are a motley crew, and can be split into three main sub-genres. Their common denominator is their more relaxed attitude and less cutthroat nature.

The Hippie Potheads - 
Holistic, natural, organic, alternative. These words are always on the Hippie Pothead's tongue, and boy, do they love them. They're quick to offer their remedies with a big smile and lots of "helpful" links. You're dealing with a flea infestation, in the middle of summer, in Florida? Sprinkle some diatomaceous earth down! Struggling with your aging dog's arthritis? Try some coconut oil! Your dog has terminal cancer! Some turmeric will clear that right up!

The Artsy Pothead -
Creative grooming, anyone? These people may also teach completely useless but very flashy tricks, have brightly colored hair themselves, and have a love for dog photography.

The Pothead Pothead -
What happens when you need a blunt just to deal with all the other cliques.

Breeds Owned: Anything and everything! Hound breeds, mutts, and various large and giant breeds are most prevalent.

Telltale Signs You've Found a Pothead: They're actually tolerable, for the most part.

The Pothead's Claim to Fame: Making you realize that the only semi-sane person in this discussion - aside from yourself - is a pothead.

The Rebel -

Summary: Ah, the Rebels. Often the most amusing ones to watch, The Rebels tend to be instigators. There are two types of Rebels: the "I don't give a fuck what you think" Rebels, and the "I love drama" Rebels.
Whichever category they fit into, both parties have the same general though process. These are the people that support most types of breeders (show, sport, working, pet, cross), support and/or own outdoor dogs, support and/or own doodles, and have more "outside the box" views on dog ownership.

Sports or Activities: The Rebels don't have a set sport, but may participate in any and all forms.

Breeds Owned: Usually purebred or purposefully bred cross breeds, but again, there's no set type.

Telltale Signs You've Found a Rebel: That Facebook or forum thread that's blowing up? Odds are, a Rebel is keeping it going. They relish in ruffling the feathers of all the other cliques.

The Rebels Claim to Fame: "I may not have started it, but I'll damn sure finish it!"

Will I have a bit of The Artsy Pothead and The Rebel in me, I am more of the loner type. I don't do cliques, because I have a 0 tolerance for catty bullshit. Raise your glass if you're on of the few sane people sitting back in astonishment that the above kinds of people actually exist.

So there you have it: Dachshund Nola's Guide to Navigating the Dog World! You're welcome.

Share your favorite, any I've missed, and your experiences below!

- Dachshund Mommy

P.S. I've never stepped foot in a high school (homeschooling FTW - and I mean For The Win, not Fuck The World), and had to rely on my guilty pleasure of young adult books and plenty of googling. 


  1. Love it! I am definitely counting myself in with the Goths. I would have loved to be Morticia Adams when I was a kid :)
    Lynne x

  2. Since I went to and worked at a high school for way too long, I can definitely agree with the mean girls. Ugh! No, thank you. LOL!

  3. I am laughing so hard at this post, cola nearly came out of my nose. I know someone from each clique.. LMAO!!

  4. A fantastic summary of dog groups. Much better than Westminster. I think we are closest to the potheads. Great job. Very funny

  5. Now those are some analogies BOL
    Lily & Edward

  6. okays, I won't tells you which one I am...anyone gots a light???? ☺
    Ruby ♥

  7. SO funny!
    I'm a hard one to place. LoL I was run out by jocks when I did agility with Ziva, I just found it to be un-fun and overwhelming which is why we do flyball now.
    I guess i'm a bit of a rebellious nerd, I love conditioning my dogs, researching health stuff but I don't go overboard with all the crazy organics or health food fears. And i'm certianly up for a challenge if need be! (Hence the rebel side of me).

    But really I just prefer to be left alone with my dogs. :-)

  8. This is hilarious! In high school I was the invisible girl that no one knew existed. I like to think I'm still the same. I don't teach my dogs tricks, but I do love a good dog photo, so I guess I'm an Artsy Pothead.

  9. In high school, I was both a jock and a nerd (odd combo). I have no idea what I am now in the dog world, except that I try to march to the beat of my own drummer. But, I refuse to do any dog sports in competition because I think my competitive streak would take over in a bad way - so I'm not a jock. This was SUPER funny!

  10. Very funny (and accurate). I think I am a bit of the Artsy Pothead and Rebel too!

  11. Oh my, what a funny perspective! I'm honestly not sure WHO I was in high school. A bit nerdy, a bit artsy. Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out who I am! :) Thanks for sharing!

  12. Bwa ha ha! I loved this and grinned all the way through.

    I guess I'm closest to a nerd. But my life's ambition is to be a pothead. :)

    In high school I hung around with all the metal heads who I realized were also nerds. It's just that they were nerdy about guitar gods instead of math and science.

  13. This is so good. I was a non person in high school, a real pot head for sure. Now....I don't know. Just a dog owner I suppose. Nothing fancy over here. I have that same field as your last photo.

  14. This is so good. I was a non person in high school, a real pot head for sure. Now....I don't know. Just a dog owner I suppose. Nothing fancy over here. I have that same field as your last photo.

  15. I giggled quite a bit. Man i would have to say i have a bit of all of them in me. I'd like to think Im a nerd, but i know I have Mean Girl in me as well....a bit of an artsy pothead and can def be a rebel. Great post! Gonna make my husband read it and tell me what i really am. (These are very accurate as well)

  16. I LAUGHED OUT LOUD. In high school I was invisagirl. Nobody paid much attention to me. In this list, I'm a Hippie Pothead, although I'd like to think I don't go overboard with it. (I try not to shove my views down the throat.) I was not a hippie in HS but I did smoke me some pot, which I did inhale. ;-)

    Loved this list, really, loved it!

  17. OMG... laughing so hard. I love that you ended on that field photo too. Just freaking perfect.

  18. This is so fun! I never thought about categorizing people like that but you are so spot on!

  19. Hahahaha. This is truly awesome and I can't stop laughing. I think I would be in the Pothead/Rebel group but I could be wrong, I also think that's what I was in high school too. Oh God, can't stop laughing.

  20. Ha ha ha ha ha. Love it. I know my place.

  21. Ma fits in many of those categories!


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