|ME, Miss Nola.|
Today I'll be teaching not one, but TWO classes! Before we get into them though, I want to show y'all the pawsome backpack Sarge made me. Isn't it just GAWJUSS, just like the gal who wears it. Thanks, Sarge!
Class One: Modeling
LESSON NUMBER ONE: PREP
Prepping for your modeling job is furry important! The prep differs for each dog (or cat, hamster, bird, fish, McDouble and so on and so forth), but should include:
Treats. Will work for food, right?
A diva tantrum. Gotta keep up the appearance!
A willing photographer. Don't be afraid to demand what you expect from your shoot, like this:
|"Now listen, doll face. I expect nothing but the VERY BEST! If you make me look fat you'll get a bite in the ass and no tip, got it?|
Sometimes, horrifically, a bath! Yes, as much as I hate to admit it, baths are sometimes necessary.
Now that you're ready to start, lets head to the next event!
LESSON NUMBER TWO: ON THE JOB
Here's a short photo summary of a typical modeling job.
|Make sure they've got the goods.|
|Props are expected and encouraged.|
|Make sure to watch the camera.|
|Give different expressions. Example: serious, broody.|
|And make sure you get that treat!|
It's a hard life, but someone's gotta do it!
LESSON NUMBER THREE: POSITIONS
Positions in your shoot are very, very important! Remember, if you get in trouble, the right photo to back up your story could make or break your case.
For instance, you could go all Lindsay Lohound:
But that'd be kinda counter productive in proving that you did not, in fact, obsessively hump your brother's head:
While the "I swear I didn't do anything Mom, just look in to my big brown eyes and you'll see" is the ideal to get you outta trouble!
LESSON NUMBER FOUR: INTERVIEW WITH A TOP MODEL (ME) AND SOME TIPS FOR BEGINNERS
Interviewer: Hi, Nola! Thanks for being here today.
Top Model (ME!): I'm happy to be here! I'm all about helping others, ya know.
Interviewer: Of course you are (not, I live with you you little demon)! So, lets get right to it. What, in your honest opinion, is the hardest thing about being a Top Model?
Top Model (ME!): Honestly, I'm such a natural it's not hard at all! But if I had to pick one thing, it'd have to be all the adoring fans. Sometimes, a girl just needs her space! But then again, my fans make me possible (them, and my drop dead gawjussness...)
Interviewer: Such a candid response! How did you get into modeling?
Top Model (ME!): Well, once upon a time there was a little pink cloud in the sky named Nola. Someone upstairs said "This little girl is destined for stardom!" and thus, Nola the TOP MODEL was born!
Interviewer: That was an...interesting story! We're running out of time, so one last question. What would you tell your aspiring model fans if you could give them just one piece of advice?
Top Model (ME!): I'd tell them to follow their dreams, and that they can do it (unless you somehow, someway, managed to become a bigger star than me. Then you'd mysteriously disapear. I'm just kidding....)
Interviewer: Thank you, Nola for your time and honesty!
*Nola bows dramatically before sashaying off stage*
Tips for beginners:
Be a camera hog!
Become BFFs with the mirror.
Be more demanding.
Look at the camera.
Let your inner
Class Two: Minion Ruling
A subject near and dear to my dominant heart! Now remember, some are born leaders and some are born followers. I just happen to be a born
LESSON NUMBER ONE: WHAT IS A MINION?
According to Dictonary.com, the number one definition for the word minion is:
a servile follower or subordinate of a person in power.
Also know as Auggie, Boston and Phoenix.
A minion is your sibling/housemate who's sole purpose in life is to be bossed around by you and do your constant bidding. Some are born (Auggie, Phee), some are made (Boston) but however they become a minion is unimportant. The only thing that matters is that they serve you with unswerving loyalty, and to achieve that you must rule them with an iron paw.
LESSON NUMBER TWO: RULING TECHNIQUES:
You'll have to choose the best way for you to rule your minions, but here are the top 3 most common types of rulers, and a short summary of each.
The Head Bitch: Also know as ME! You're a Head Bitch if you're a ruthless demon, always looking out for number one, are loud, demanding and not afraid to throw your weight around. But at the same time, you can be a sweet sister if the need arises (i.e. to get what you want from the humans, who are really just extensions of you minions.)
|A prime example of The Head Bitch. Click to enlarge.|
Silent BUT Deadly: If you're the strong and silent type, barking and growling and demands aren't your thing. You prefer to rule with body language and a harsh glare. Humans usually say you're the sweet one, but that's because they don't know just how well you control your inner demon.
Just One of The Girls (or Guys) Till You Get Ticked Off: You're all fun and games till someone pushes your buttons! You're like poisoned honey, and always keep your minions and peeps guessing at your next diabolical move.
Which are you?
LESSON NUMBER THREE: STATUS
Without out your head status of top dog, your minions will TAKE OVER!!! This must be avoided at all costs.
Since I already explained the personalities/trademarks of the top dog, here's a brief look at the different minion status. Since I only have three, there's only three I'm gonna show you. Duh.
The second in command/least annoying/most gullible: This defines Auggie to a T. This minion is your most devoted follower, and you very rarely (if ever) have to put them in their place.
The needs frequent corrections but is still a willing subject: This would be Phee. I often have to put her in her place, but she always bounces back to do her duty with renewed vigor.
The we don't get along at all and you're after my status backstabbing beast: Boston. Always trying to get the upper paw, but failing miserably. She's slowly creeping towards the second status, so it goes to show that this kind of minion isn't totally a lost cause.
LESSON NUMBER FOUR: BE FIRM BUT
You can't expect them to be willing little followers if you don't cut them some slack every now and then. Be careful they don't get too used to a lax leader though!
And that concludes my classes! Thanks to all my wonderful students! See ya in class!
Kisses and Tail Wags,
Miss Dachshund Nola