Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Class Is In Session!

     Hello, class! It's ME, your teacher, Miss Nola.
ME, Miss Nola.
Welcome to the Blogville Back to School Bash!
     Today I'll be teaching not one, but TWO classes! Before we get into them though, I want to show y'all the pawsome backpack Sarge made me. Isn't it just GAWJUSS, just like the gal who wears it. Thanks, Sarge!




                     Class One: Modeling

LESSON NUMBER ONE: PREP

     Prepping for your modeling job is furry important! The prep differs for each dog (or cat, hamster, bird, fish, McDouble and so on and so forth), but should include:

Treats. Will work for food, right?
A diva tantrum. Gotta keep up the appearance!
A willing photographer. Don't be afraid to demand what you expect from your shoot, like this:
"Now listen, doll face. I expect nothing but the VERY BEST! If you make me look fat you'll get a bite in the ass and no tip, got it?

Sometimes, horrifically, a bath! Yes, as much as I hate to admit it, baths are sometimes necessary.

Now that you're ready to start, lets head to the next event!


LESSON NUMBER TWO: ON THE JOB

     Here's a short photo summary of a typical modeling job.

Make sure they've got the goods.


Props are expected and encouraged.
Make sure to watch the camera.
And smile!
Give different expressions. Example: serious, broody.

Proud.

Sassy.
And make sure you get that treat!



It's a hard life, but someone's gotta do it!


LESSON NUMBER THREE: POSITIONS

     Positions in your shoot are very, very important! Remember, if you get in trouble, the right photo to back up your story could make or break your case.
For instance, you could go all Lindsay Lohound:

But that'd be kinda counter productive in proving that you did not, in fact, obsessively hump your brother's head:

While the "I swear I didn't do anything Mom, just look in to my big brown eyes and you'll see" is the ideal to get you outta trouble!



LESSON NUMBER FOUR: INTERVIEW WITH A TOP MODEL (ME) AND SOME TIPS FOR BEGINNERS

Interviewer: Hi, Nola! Thanks for being here today.

Top Model (ME!): I'm happy to be here! I'm all about helping others, ya know.

Interviewer:  Of course you are (not, I live with you you little demon)! So, lets get right to it. What, in your honest opinion, is the hardest thing about being a Top Model?

Top Model (ME!): Honestly, I'm such a natural it's not hard at all! But if I had to pick one thing, it'd have to be all the adoring fans. Sometimes, a girl just needs her space! But then again, my fans make me possible (them, and my drop dead gawjussness...)

Interviewer:  Such a candid response! How did you get into modeling?

Top Model (ME!): Well, once upon a time there was a little pink cloud in the sky named Nola. Someone upstairs said "This little girl is destined for stardom!" and thus, Nola the TOP MODEL was born!

Interviewer:  That was an...interesting story! We're running out of time, so one last question. What would you tell your aspiring model fans if you could give them just one piece of advice?

Top Model (ME!): I'd tell them to follow their dreams, and that they can do it (unless you somehow, someway, managed to become a bigger star than me. Then you'd mysteriously disapear. I'm just kidding....) 

Interviewer: Thank you, Nola for your time and honesty!

*Nola bows dramatically before sashaying off stage*

Tips for beginners:
Be a camera hog!
Become BFFs with the mirror.
Be more demanding.
Look at the camera.
Let your inner bitch DIVA shine!

         

          Class Two: Minion Ruling
     A subject near and dear to my dominant heart! Now remember, some are born leaders and some are born followers. I just happen to be a born head bitch  leader.

LESSON NUMBER ONE: WHAT IS A MINION?

     According to Dictonary.com, the number one definition for the word minion is:
a servile follower or subordinate of a person in power. 
Also know as Auggie, Boston and Phoenix.

     A minion is your sibling/housemate who's sole purpose in life is to be bossed around by you and do your constant bidding. Some are born (Auggie, Phee), some are made (Boston) but however they become a minion is unimportant. The only thing that matters is that they serve you with unswerving loyalty, and to achieve that you must rule them with an iron paw.


BE DEMANDING!


LESSON NUMBER TWO: RULING TECHNIQUES:

     You'll have to choose the best way for you to rule your minions, but here are the top 3 most common types of rulers, and a short summary of each.

The Head Bitch: Also know as ME! You're a Head Bitch if you're a ruthless demon, always looking out for number one, are loud, demanding and not afraid to throw your weight around. But at the same time, you can be a sweet sister if the need arises (i.e. to get what you want from the humans, who are really just extensions of you minions.)
A prime example of The Head Bitch. Click to enlarge.


Silent BUT Deadly: If you're the strong and silent type, barking and growling and demands aren't your thing. You prefer to rule with body language and a harsh glare. Humans usually say you're the sweet one, but that's because they don't know just how well you control your inner demon.

Just One of The Girls (or Guys) Till You Get Ticked Off: You're all fun and games till someone pushes your buttons! You're like poisoned honey, and always keep your minions and peeps guessing at your next diabolical move.

     Which are you?


LESSON NUMBER THREE: STATUS

     Without out your head status of top dog, your minions will TAKE OVER!!! This must be avoided at all costs. 
     Since I already explained the personalities/trademarks of the top dog, here's a brief look at the different minion status. Since I only have three, there's only three I'm gonna show you. Duh.

The second in command/least annoying/most gullible: This defines Auggie to a T. This minion is your most devoted follower, and you very rarely (if ever) have to put them in their place.

The needs frequent corrections but is still a willing subject: This would be Phee. I often have to put her in her place, but she always bounces back to do her duty with renewed vigor.

The we don't get along at all and you're after my status backstabbing beast: Boston. Always trying to get the upper paw, but failing miserably. She's slowly creeping towards the second status, so it goes to show that this kind of minion isn't totally a lost cause.

LESSON NUMBER FOUR: BE FIRM BUT NOT REALLY FAIR

     You can't expect them to be willing little followers if you don't cut them some slack every now and then. Be careful they don't get too used to a lax leader though! 


     And that concludes my classes! Thanks to all my wonderful students! See ya in class!
Kisses and Tail Wags,
Miss Dachshund Nola

33 comments:

  1. WOWZERS! That is some class! Well done, my friend!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great class! You've got these lessons down pat Nola. Love your backpack! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow! had to take lots of notes now just need to practice!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh Nola, the tears are just running down our leg's this morning after attending your classes. The Principal was kind enough to let us out of his office long enough JUST to attend YOUR class.

    We are going to have to practice some of your teachings on Grandpa. Mommy's inner demon reared her ugly head last night with Grandpa. He was BAD and I mean REALLY bad! (We'll do a post on that once Mommy calms down. Believe you me, it wasn't pretty!)

    Think we gotta run over to the taco truck now.....

    Hugs,
    Lily Belle & Muffin

    ReplyDelete
  5. Great Lessons!!! Nola, you are a natural model! Thanks for all the tips and I can't wait to practice! I think I could do anything for snacks!!

    As for me, I am a natural born leader as well!! Ahem, Maggie, gets on my nerves cause she thinks she is....NOPE, just me!! BOL!

    ~Higgins

    ReplyDelete
  6. Great class Nola and we are now off to practice some camera hogging. Have a lovely Wednesday.
    Best wishes Molly

    ReplyDelete
  7. The Head Bitch! LOL. Okay, sorry, that really sounded awkward and hilarious.

    Thank you, Miss Nola. I will take those lessons by heart... even the picture of you humping your brother.

    Huggies and Cheese,

    Haopee

    ReplyDelete
  8. UhOh....From da sounds of it, me tinks me's a....MINION!

    ReplyDelete
  9. These are great lessons! I'm pretty much a diva too, and I boss around my new brother Brooks and show him who's boss. You gave me a lot of good pointers I can use on him!
    Thanks for the class, I'm now your newest follower. If you get a chance, stop by and check out my class on doggone dieting!
    Signed, Kelly

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ms. Nola!
    Wesa all learned so much from you in both classes. Wesa still working on getting better photos...thanks for the tips for our hu-peep/minion...also...wesa still trying to get our pack in order of top-dog/minions. Wesa shall see with your techniques if George will forever be the top-dog or if Lily will step up to the plate.
    Wesa really had fun in your class.
    Much Luvums,
    The Slimmer Puggums
    George, Gracie, Toby, Lily, & Mimi

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh dear Nola I is laughin' so hard I peed and spit my beer everywheres. I swear to dog I believes we is long lost sisters or sumptin'.
    Heres at my homestead brudder is da alpha but he lets me pretend I is head bitch.

    Puddles

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hey Nola!
    Wow, great classes! You are the most wonderful model and everyone's flashy beast techniques will be better now. BWAR HAR HAR you are one hugely funny teacher! Since I'm the only dog in my pack, I just make sure that the peeps cater to my every whim. BOL
    Grr and Woof,
    Sarge, Super-Student

    ReplyDelete
  13. OMD! So much to remember! I'll have to take notes...shoot! I forgot paper! Puddles, do you have any paper? No? Beer? Yea, sure! Under the table thou, can't let Nola catch us passin' beer in class!!!

    Kisses,

    Ruby

    ReplyDelete
  14. Miss Nola...Sorry to be so LATE.. Ernie and I had to go Roll in the GRASS to get DRY... Puddles and GOOSE were on the Roof .. throwin WATER BALLOONS at us.. and they have GOOD AIM.

    I can NOT believe that as Head Bitch you are allowed to Bite your mom's A$$. PLEASE tell me that a GUY can be Head Bitch beclaws My mom has a HOOOOOG A$$ and I would Love to bite it... fur LOTS of reasons.
    OMD this class is WONDERFUL.. I have NO Idea WHY my Mom is Laffin and changing her Pants...
    You REALLY did Nail BOTH sessions... Modeling and Minion Ruling.
    I gotta use some of those thingys on ERNIE ... beclaws he seems to be gettin a bit tooo big fur his furs.
    GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRreat JOB Miss Nola
    PeeS... That was NOT me that shot you with the Rubbery Band thingys... THAT was PUDDLES... I'm just sayin.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Wow!! What a great post!!! :)
    You were born to be a teacher, we think.
    Is there anything you do not do well?

    Shelle, Milo, Dixie and Newby,
    http://simpaticodreams.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  16. That was a wonderful class! I've learned so much. I think I'm a Just One of the Guys rulers. I'm really easy-going and relaxed -- but don't cross my lines!

    ReplyDelete
  17. hey Nola,

    Pawsome job! And cool backpack! Your two classes rocked! Of course, since I am an Alpha Male I had to translate some of your tips to apply to us male dogs, and I think I got the gist of it. It would be fun to be a Top Male Model Dog. I love your "sassy" look on the pink/white chair! You rocked all the various emotional looks! However, I do have some reservations about you and your brother's head...

    Now, your class on Minion Ruling was more my style. Like you, I am a born leader so I appreciate your tips on how to keep my minions in line.

    You are a pawsome teacher, Nola! I really enjoyed being a part of both of your classes. Learning is so fun, but you made it rock!

    Suka

    ReplyDelete
  18. Wow you are a truly star teacher. Our mom is a teacher and she could learn a lot from you

    urban hounds

    ReplyDelete
  19. We don't know that we're destined to be models....too many baths and stuff involved. But great information.

    I, Daisy, am head dog AND it's hard at the top. I'm more of a one of the bunch until I get ticked off leader. Though at times I just warn everyone off first.

    Great lessons and the visual aids helped clarify the information.

    Thanks.

    XXXOOO Daisy, Bella & Roxy

    ReplyDelete
  20. Wonderful lessons for any model wanna-be, Nola! But I have to admit, I'm so jealous of how well you sit and behave and let you momma take your picture. Oh, I wish, I wish, I wish.... :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Wow I think I may be a minion...

    woof - Tucker

    ReplyDelete
  22. You got some big teethes!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. OMD!
    Your class sure was very interesting and informative.
    Now I know I have a Minion here!
    Kisses and hugs
    Lorenza

    ReplyDelete
  24. You sure are a super model Nola and have everyone in your house under control. Great job with the classes!

    Stop by my blog today for a chance to win a toy and help me raise money for Miss Sandra and the Pittie Pack.

    Cindy

    ReplyDelete
  25. Hilarious, Nola! Those hump hugs are awesome, too!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Not only are you a super model and ruler of all you survey...you are a pawsome teacher. Great classes!

    ReplyDelete
  27. way to go Nola we learned lots
    Benny & Lily

    ReplyDelete
  28. That was a great class Nola. I love the modeling tips!! You do such a good job and you are very photogentic!! We loves your pics. Also, I will do what I need to, in order to keep Addi in line. I am the boss round here!!

    wags
    Jazzi and Addy

    ReplyDelete
  29. Ha ha. I like your minion bashing lesson. I shall pass it on to Flo!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Pawsome job, Nola. I just wish I had some minions to boss. I am not allowed to interact with the street dogs -they give me fleas and disease!

    ReplyDelete
  31. It's all about the treats! No doggie model should work for free!

    Your pal, Pip

    ReplyDelete
  32. Wow, a top model AND a dictator! You is a dog of many talents Nola, I is so happy you has shared them with us.

    Love,
    Reuben

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for commenting!